i am getting to know myself more. rather, i am re-acquainting with the real me little by little, and it makes me really happy (and cheesy). yesterday, our discussion got to how memorable our school days were. i found myself saying that i never really enjoyed going to school. this is not to offend my friends who i’ve been with but i have to say that during those days, i wasn’t really there.
sure, i had moments. moments. it is not the same as many people who lived and breathed their lives in school. it may be hard to understand but it’s true. let me just say what i told them yesterday. back in school, it appears i existed (by choice) in an alternate (or parallel?) universe. i’m not a psycho though it’s a subtle manifestation of that (now, aren’t you scared yet?). but it’s not like i am a really different person when i’m “there”. as i’ve said in a previous post, perhaps out of lack of confidence with my person, i resorted to making, at the back of my mind, someone who’s the better me. i know that a lot of people are like that, (i remember debaters confess that after a competition, it becomes habitual that when they’re alone, they talk to themselves in the mirror, and repeat their speech, and they go, “this is what i should’ve said”, “this should’ve been my point!”, etc.)— but it appears i’ve overdone it a little bit. add to this is the fact that i became a fanatic of someone. i read somewhere that people who are confessed fanatics of something or someone are generally healthier emotionally because they get to exercise their emotions beyond what is happening to their own lives. again, i may have overdone it quite a bit. (honestly, i prefer not to apologize to those who can’t seem to grasp what i’m saying now. i don’t care. :P)
suffice it to say, i did not enjoy my life in school (as in perhaps all 15 years of it) because i was too preoccupied finding out how it would feel if i am not what i am. sadly, i got used to going “there”, somewhere just in my imagination, without realizing that the real events happening, i am already missing.
i never got to seize every moment that came my way. i remembered several moments but i never did sustain it. had i been able to do it, maybe, just maybe, i am not in a complete loss as to how to find happiness that many people say is just in front of me. oh God. now, i can’t help but envy people who have very vivid memories of their high school prom, how their college orgs’ projects went…coz i never got to feel that. i don’t have enough memories to cling to and capitalize on because, as established earlier, i was never really into it.
i know it is not too late to start over. i know i am with a lot of good things that are better than most people my age, no matter how arguable that statement is. with baby steps, i wake up now finding that i love what i see around me, i accept the things that i lack, and i laugh at the crazy ironies of the real world. contrary to what i said before, i am loving myself now, and i am thankful.
thank you too to those who appreciated this effort. it validates my desire to slowly overturn my passion for the ideal realm that i have been (WAS!) in for a long time to a refreshing zeal towards a very promising present and future that is due me.
a few manifestations of my changing life…wackiness, that is. starring judith, job abat and sir tito.