december blues

I am very frustrated because my computer’s performance has really turned for the worst. I know it’s infested with viruses and spywares and everything that a bad computer may have. For one, it takes me five minutes to start it. When I switch from one browser to another, they go in slow motion. I know that using an internet prepaid card isn’t that bad, speed-wise, but it was affected by the mess that my computer is. For the record, I am uploading 15 photos in Multiply for three hours now. Plus, I dunno what’s happening but I go into one browser and when I minimize it to go to the others, poof! They disappear. Then when I close all browsers, they surprisingly come back. Why?

To compensate for my frustration, I am happy with the way I can talk to him about things that I (yes, I) feel. It is liberating to lay your cards, both your cards, on the table. I like it this way because instead of getting hurt, as of now, as in now, I can say that the hurt is not as great as before. I think, for every instance that bouts of hurt do return, it helps me to tell him that “I’m getting hurt, excuse my being sarcastic and nasty.” For others it’s a big emotional no-no but for me, confronting the feeling, especially the person who unintentionally hurt you is a giant step to healing.

I got the words I’ve been most wanting to hear from him and it made a big chunk of the pain go away. I don’t deny that they’re not completely gone— as I told him, I don’t even know what to feel once it’s there. The best part of it all is that you are letting go of something that’s more like a bad egg among the good ones. How many of you collides with a great heartbreak, inches away to getting over it, yet keep the person involved, and what’s more, he becomes closer to you than before? It’s rare. That’s why I know I am lucky. To enjoy the confidence of the person who HAS hurt me is something to treasure when I am completely over this. It’s like I did not lose anything at all, instead, I gained more. Life is good.

Truth be told, I don’t wish for someone to fill the void. Especially now. I’m back into loving what I am now, the very unattached lady in her twenties. There’s a development with regard to my career, and other travel plans looming in the horizon. I know that next year will be a better year for me. With all these plans outlined, I think the chances are slim that I’ll go wrong. Yay, I’ll say it myself, that’s the spirit!

I will be really busy to even blog until the year ends. Before the month ends though, even if I will be hurt inside, I know that my tolerance for pain is sufficient. I am going to run down how eventful 2005 has been for me. Watch out for it. Haha! Sabi nga ni Boy Abunda, “Eksklusibo! Mga bagay na ngayon lamang ilalantad! The Buzz!”

This week, I’ll be busy as hell because we will be understaffed once more. My supervisor will be back but she’s not expected to be that busy as usual because she’s due to retire at the end of the month. I did not apply for her position, even if sometimes, I feel guilt when people react as if I let their expectations down by not applying. I feel proud but it’s already done. The fact that God led me to that choice means there are better things to come.

There is a performance for the Christmas party of the whole U.S. Mission in Manila, there’s a party to plan for the 22nd, there’s a premiere night (with cocktails daw, so icky) on Wednesday for KingKong (which I asked Jacs to accompany me to, the people person that he is), there’s a block reunion with my college classmates on Thursday, a dinner with my office gang courtesy of Erwin, an overdue dinner pa rin with Mindy before she goes to Canada, and speaking of Canada, hopefully I get to squeeze in a dinner with Rayan as well before he leaves on Sunday. How can I even have time to feel hurt?

*Oh, I have been punished. The Multiply upload, after 3 hours and 27 minutes, went “The page cannot be displayed”. Fff. It’s time to make use of my orange diskettes, hmph! (Trivia: since I had my computer repaired, I bought 120 orange diskettes to keep my files. Hihihihi.)

Categories: Citizen Judie, Friend Judie, Random Judie

Tags: , , ,

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