on my own

I was so cheery when I got home last night because our cable connection’s back. Then I saw her. You know that hormonally-induced feeling of hating someone even if she’s not doing anything wrong at that moment (well, she did many things to us but they let it pass, for reasons I can’t friggin’ comprehend)? I wanted to bang her head on the wall until her skull breaks. No kidding, that’s how angry I was. Save for the fact that her family really has something to answer to me (loaned money but never had the temerity to even express remorse over not paying back, and there they are wiggling their asses like it’s very inconsiderate of me to ask for my money back. Would you believe, they even said that I just bought my Mom a new cellphone, so it means I don’t need money. WTF? Do I have to have a reason to use the money just to justify that they need to pay that 5-figure amount they easily loaned me? I mean, can you blame me if I wish that a trailer truck would run them over and squish their bodies? Am I too evil?).

My boss is right, this could be my hormones going crazy. That one incident triggered enough mixed emotions to shut myself from the rest of the people in the house. I know that’s their way of giving me space but its more than that. I think. I believe.

I will not dwell on what those pent up feelings were but suffice it to say, I am tired of being “good”. Of being a “role model”. Plus, I didn’t sign up to be in charge of everybody. That common family thing of just because you are doing a bit better than most of them, you are, though unsaid, will be responsible for those who have less. You’re suddenly thrusted into this messianic (sp?) responsibility. I can do it. I am doing it. Sometimes, it just gets to your nerves. Sometimes, it makes you just wanna snap, run and hide from everyone. Sometimes, you just want to be on your own. To be concerned with no one but yourself. There was even a point when I pathetically said I don’t want people doing things for me because I don’t like paying back. That’s ill-conceived. Mom told me that people may have wanted to do those things in the first place, not necessarily out of responsibility.

I’m just getting tired of all of this. I know that on the surface, you may see that I am doing fine, I am getting almost everything I want, but it’s just not it, believe me. Taking a cue from the book Remind Me Again Why I Married You, my life is so dull, I live three-fourths of it in my imagination.

Everything is not what it seems. Only a few people recognize the real me. Nevertheless, I’m getting tired. No matter how ungrateful I appear to be, no matter how rude a person I become. I just want to be on my own. Not to be literally alone, but simply to be on my own.

Categories: Reflective Judie

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