my mom and i spend our (now) less frequent bonding time talking about life. most of these conversations center on our relatives. i think i’ve shared before that my family isn’t the typical family that many of you have. no hang-ups though; i’ve always been a believer of the reality that you are put where you will grow best.
a family doesn’t just begin and end with the father, mother and siblings. i think it would take a long one if i start with own. anyway, my relatives–uncles and aunts, cousins and all, they seem to have a continuing penchant for drama and scandal. i will not dwell on the details but suffice it to say that it will take full acceptance of this part of my life to feel secure of myself as a whole.
it’s not that they’re utterly embarrassing. they’re not. yes, through the years, there have been annoying squabbles, outrageous incidents, hurtful confrontations, but what family doesn’t have that anyway? it’s just that growing up, while i accepted my fate that this is the family i have, i also have had fantasies of wanting to be in a less complicated circle of relatives. it’s unhealthy, i know, but it’s something that developed through time. as all of us have two sets of blood relatives, i have yet another guilt because i sometimes feel bad and yes, embarrassed, about some of them being poor, under-educated and content with life in the outskirts of civilization. i’m a horrible, horrible person. 😦
in addition, i still have this annoying fixation with not wanting to be associated with some of my relatives. whenever something goes awry, my half-brothers and i joke, “paano mo naman ipapakilala sa mapapangasawa mo yung ganyang klase.” thinking about it, i realized that all of them, embarrassing or otherwise, are undeniably my relatives. i can’t erase them from my family tree. if thinking that it’s embarrassing for my future husband and in-laws to know them as mine, then i’m really suffering from a bad form of insecurity.
but of course it isn’t too late to change. part of my quarterlife ponderings is the gradual orientation to the real me, as in the real person devoid of discontent and pride. deep and dramatic, but it’s true.
two ironic things. first, it’s quite despicable to aspire to be liked by my (future) in-laws, to want to please them so they can accept me, when i am holding back the part about some of my relatives who are, well, quite “characters” on their own. second, i used to say (and i will keep on saying so) that i will never sugarcoat the situation of my immediate family, that i accepted it, that people should look for the person that i am and have become— when on the same note, i am *admittedly* ashamed of many of my relatives. whatever happened to consistency and parallel thinking there?
i guess this is just part of my unfolding drama of finding myself. given my inticate web of inner thoughts that most of you dont know about (as i’m really an introvert, remember?), my ultimate goal is simply to be able to tell people, regardless whether it’s someone i like or potential friends, that THIS IS ME, FLAWS AND ALL. TAKE ME OR NOT, IT’S YOUR CHOICE, AND I WON’T GIVE A DAMN. now, as regards the point when i can say it with all honesty, that’s what i’m working on, starting right now.
Categories: Reflective Judie