Taking the words of Decimus Junius Juvenal in his satirical poems, “Revenge is always the weak pleasure of a little and narrow mind.”
Even though he also said in the same work that, “No one rejoices more in revenge than a woman“, I prefer to live by the former.
I’m telling you, I have pent up anger welling up inside me since the year started, as in noon pa, and it was heightened by Dad’s death. However, I thought that all the effort I put in controlling my temper will bear fruit in the near future.
Perhaps the “animal” side (which we all have, hi) of me induced thoughts of hurting someone, or at least hitting her, even though not physically, to where she will be hurt the most. For every word that she said, I desired to punch her in the face. But when I gave myself time to breathe, I got the courage to let it go. But, you see, I already sinned in my mind. I didn’t think of killing her anyway (only because if she’s dead, how else can I inflict more pain? Then again, this kind goes away when I have had time to calm down.)
With that said, and even though I am having difficulty getting past it, I will let nature take its course. More importantly, I will let God take care of the matter. Yes, I have felt bad long before, and I still feel bad now, but I will not be the judge of how she will pay for whatever she did and continuously does (this part is what irks me more. Ano pa ba naman ang gusto palabasin, patay na Daddy ko di ba?). On some level, I believe in karma, too.
At least I, actually all of us on this “side” are not the ones losing sleep over this. Hindi kami yung kapag tiningnan eh mukhang nalugi at nakatapak sa numero. I used to think that by not getting even with her, my Dad would think na hindi man lang namin sya naipagtanggol. I also thought of how much she’s rejoicing dahil nagwagi sya dahil wala kaming ginawa sa kanya (even if I, myself, have wanted to stab her face over and over, pero yung buhay pa sya ha, para maramdaman nya yung pain, o di ba, sadista!). Pero yun nga, I believe, we were all guided by something good para huwag na gumawa ng kahit ano. As it is, wala na rin naman kaming pakialam.
I’m not even saying that if everything didn’t happen, Dad would still be here. No, no, no. I made peace with the fact na Dad only had until Novemeber 30, 2006 to live, no matter what happened. Yun nga lang, he could have been less stressed at namatay sya ng mas masaya. Oh well, when I think of it now, he’s happier in heaven, and I believe he is there no matter how many people say hindi sya dun mapupunta. Ang salbahe ‘no? True, talagang may tao, actually yung masama ang loob sa kanya, firmly said that he will never go to heaven. Eh sa dami ng nag-pray for him, I’m sure na-override na namin sila. Duh.
In the final analysis ika nga, as long as we emerge happy and are continuously meeting ways to move on gracefully, revenge should be out of the equation.
I am not saying I will forgive, I cannot say I will forget. However, I chose not to exact revenge. If in some ways they mean the same, then indulge me, because as of now, I can distinctly draw the difference.
Categories: Reflective Judie