Since I started working – actually, long before that – I’ve always thought that I do things because I have to. As I was embarking on an “adventure” (walking from the new Registrar’s building to Palma Hall – malayo-layo ‘yun ha) I thought that, No, I’m doing these things, I’ve done all those things, because I wanted to. Except for very few instances of doing something out of obligation, in the final analysis, no one has dictated what I should and should not do other than myself.
In a nutshell, the old tasks, the new things I put myself into, they are all products of my desire to do something for me. I could even say they’re born out of love. If this is not love, I wouldn’t last, much more desire to continue doing them, rationality be damned.
I love my work not just because it puts money in my pocket. I may have complained and whined terribly about it since I was hired but I still cannot bear leaving it. I miss it when I’m on leave. I feel guilty thinking of my backlog, which I shouldn’t because it’s not as mediocre; I feel guilty for the work that I should have been doing as I idle myself just to consume my forfeitable leave credits. I shouldn’t even check up on the staff while I’m on leave because it’s my right as an employee to be gone a few days a year, but still, I can’t control it. It’s like a mother who has to check up on her children every single day. They say that any affair that lasted for more than three years will be impossible to neither erase nor forget. I’ve been working for almost five years and it definitely has grown on me. Yes, no matter how negative I appear sometimes.
On another end, as evidenced by recent events, I’ve been a terrible student. But I cannot give up on studying not primarily because I would like to have another degree tucked under my belt, but because I love reading and learning new things. I learned to sacrifice, to plan, to keep options, much more when I decided to do part-time schooling. I may have thrown time and money down the drain but I keep on coming back. I do not know what the next few months will bring to me but I’ll keep on swimming nevertheless. Specifically, I would like to be given the chance to start over and tread the path of Area II and Area III as my areas of discipline in my graduate degree. I hope. Also, I intend to utilize that frakkin’ CRS pre-enlistment thingie next time. It’s killing me when I don’t follow rules.
It could just be me thinking that my life is useless. Someone would actually trade lives with me in an instant – it was revealed to me last weekend by someone I never thought would aspire for something other than what she has right now. I guess discontent runs in our family. And “comparisonitis”, too.
Life is good. I can taste it in my spit. (Again, I found an opportunity to use that line from L4yer Cake.)