They say that you ought to feel ill after a flu shot. I felt it 48 hours after a shot that didn’t take a nanosecond to enter my body, thanks to our office nurse’s sharpshooting skills.
I don’t want to think my sleeping at 5 in the morning pushed it to the edge. Anyway, I was too weak to carry on with life in general, and there, I just made a dumb excuse as to why I haven’t moved a single cell of my body to do my school requirements. This is a series of school rants, if you haven’t noticed. My mother was actually mocking me a while ago, after she gave up on the calm one-on-one sessions, to see if I really wanted to do this after all.
Since I live with her, she’s witness to how I put academic stuff behind me and then cram, panic, lash out on everyone when it’s submission time. Masama nga namang ugali yun, when I could have been a sane adult and did what’s supposed to be done during the times I was supposed to be doing them.
If I was able to watch five consecutive episodes of The West Wing even if I’m terribly ill, I could probably have started my paper as well. Pero ang bottomline is pag gusto, may paraan, pag ayaw…ayaw talaga, wag na pilitin.
See, I take pleasure from watching a show about a presidential campaign, smack dab in the middle of the primaries in the US. That’s actually what one of my classes is all about, but when I relate it to the course, nawawalan ako ng gana.
I probably don’t like studying…anymore. I just thought I do. What I want, perhaps, is learning new things without doing it for someone who will grade me after all was said and done.
I am keeping these blog entries lately, securing copies in flash drives, printing them out…para lang in the future, I’ll see if yes, I’m right, I didn’t want it all along OR I will just smile as I look back, and say, the struggle I’d been through just to get a graduate degree!
As of this hour though, the overwhelming sentiment is that I like dabbling into serious stuff (as its opposites are, say, celebrity news, fandoms, green jokes, chismis sa office, usapang crushes at mga tungkol sa love – sheesh), but I don’t like being graded nor being given deadlines to prove that I understood everything I’m interested in. I like learning at my own pace. Let’s see if this will change later. Pinagdasal ko ito, I asked for motivation, pero in truth, hindi ko na kinakaya yung struggle. Paulit-ulit ako right? Kahit ako naiinis na sa sarili ko.