Random Psychobabble Episode 1:
While listening to a song that has haunted me for days, a creepy feeling occurred to me and now I’m very worried.
The song has no relation to it at all, or maybe it has, but its melody took me back to my past. Eighteen-nineteen years past.
And now I suddenly am scared. I don’t want to move on. I want to be here forever. I fear getting old.
This is weird but it’s something that sucks, too.
No, really, I’m scared out of my wits. I just closed my eyes, feeling the song, when I found myself transported to events when I was in gradeschool, and when I opened my eyes, that’s when I freaked.
Maybe I’m thinking too much. Or I have thousands of unresolved issues.
Seriously, no matter how much you people tell me that I’m doing okay, I feel I just floated through the years. I’m still empty now, you know. Do not debate with me using my present position and other assets and accomplishments (which are very few anyway, but which I’m grateful to pieces) as arguments. I am the one feeling this emptiness. I’m hollow. I just hide it too well. And please, this is not just about being romantically unattached. In fact, there’s some hidden desire in me to be alone in the long run. I silently scream to be left alone, you know. I want to break free from all the responsibilities and conventions.
Once again, I’m hollow inside. I do not know what I want to do with my life. And I’m scared because time runs so fast.
I just hide it well, in case you’re still not convinced. I just hope fate won’t play a trick on me and take whatever I have today.
I envy you if you like what you do, you know what to do with your life, you do not feel insecure of people passing you by, you do something productive, you remember books you’ve read, you know what’s happening to the rest of the world, you can opine about things relevant and irrelevant, you make a difference, you are healthy, you enjoy each moment in your life and not get mentally transported somewhere as something unfolds in front of you…because I am not all of those. I tried but miserably failed.
Again, I just hide it good enough so it won’t be noticed.
Again, I’m hollow. I distinctly remember it kicking in when I turned 14. This is probably the 2nd or 3rd time I mentioned that age but yeah, that early. Since then, everything else went by like a blur. I cannot remember something tragic that happened to me then, only a fateful loss in the student council elections where I was the only one in our party who didn’t win. I morphed into a scatter-brain creature all throughout that year, my sophomore year, but I also remember bouncing back in my junior year, kicking ass in the next year’s student council elections, and getting the assistant editorship of the school paper. I still bombed in my academics but I still did good enough, I think. Ah, I just don’t know the convolution of disappointments that pushed me to this (hollow) edge.
I probably just need an inspiration to unleash my pure confidence and boost my self-esteem because frankly, I got tired pushing myself to unfeel this hollowness. Believe me, I’m empty. Very empty.
Categories: Reflective Judie