I am overwhelmed by everyone’s greetings and calls (most of which I dodged. I’m sorry). I am never trained nor I allowed myself to get used to all this attention that’s why I can only say a short but heartfelt thank you. People are not expecting anything more than that, I know. Some of them don’t expect to get acknowledged at all – they did it because they wanted to; I even do it all the time. That’s why it bothers me that I feel guilty that I am choked and stifled by too many of them.
I have been accustomed to my low self-esteem and we’ve been bestfriends for a long time so I may appear ungrateful and thankless to some especially in times like this. I didn’t mean to hide from or ignore people. I simply get scared of the sheer volume of attention. Growing up alone and living with unrequited feelings for a very long time (not only about romantic feelings, but in all types of affection I gave since I became this damaged, lahat ng yun that were not sufficiently returned favorably) and then factor in my natural brooding personality, they should explain why I’m like this when the crowd gets too big and I’m the reason why they are coming together.
It’s not that I do not like being with people. I do, but only with a select few. I made plans to be with people I want to spend my time with. I also do not mean I dislike everyone else whom I did not “invite”; I do, I even love most of them, too, it’s just that I feel a certain level of my personal space being invaded when, as I said, lots of people converge to tell me that they remembered.
I am aware that I touched their lives at one point that’s why they took time to send me something or (attempt to) call me. Someday, when I grow old alone, I may realize the importance of being grateful to them. I may be less scared and intimidated by the attention. As of now though, I don’t know how to handle it gracefully, and well. It’s not that my mother (who has always acted as my buffer and sort of like a “publicist” that’s why people have not realized na ako ay hindi marunong makipag-kapwa tao, or ayaw sa tao, ehhh, something like that) and my experience with people taught me nothing. I guess I’m just this way and I will stay this way for a very long time.
Before I turn more people off, I am ending this post, but not without another sincere THANK YOU to everyone who remembered. It’s not a great time to publish my frustrations and crazy personality problems in my blog, on my birthday nonetheless, but I just can’t help it. For now I need time to be on my own, like I always loved it. Salamat ulit! 🙂