But now old friends are acting strange

{There are three more lines from this verse, let’s see if I can keep this up in the next three posts. Once again, not that it matters a lot.}

Through sheer determination, I have been successful in not talking about something that bothered me to shreds (well, until now). I never ask anymore, I ignored comments and stories on purpose, all because I’m trying to take the “less is more” path. In this case, it’s less information, more peace for me.

However, several moments a day I feel like breaking out of the “less is more” mold, secretly arming myself with my perceived status quo that everything is okay again.  I’ve been holding out, hesitating, every single day and the more it drags on, it gets clearer to me that maybe, it is not really okay. Or it is, it’s just that it will never be the same again. I hesitate even at the thought of throwing a simple “Hello, what’s up?” I don’t want to think I’ve been scarred that much that’s why I hesitate.

I am so over the thing that I used to want but did not get. Once again, this is not anymore about something that I thought I wanted. This is about something larger and more meaningful, the friendship, which feels like it really has drowned itself in the center of the mudpit; it could still resurface but it will definitely be different.

I want to break the awkwardness but I hesitate.  This is what I do: I wait, I decide to move an inch but I go back to hesitating.  I don’t know for how long I can keep this up when what I only want are casual answers to casual questions, discussion of stuff that came along like a season finale, graphic novel volumes, shitty songs, family stuff, places to go, books to read, and other items in the friendship box that we used to be able to dig and discuss in detail at the most random of times.

It’s part-pride, part-fear. Both of them envelope me whenever I walk that familiar hall or pass by the intersection that leads to yet another familiar side door. I was able to put up a sufficiently convincing face to make people wonder why I seem so disinterested already.  I still am although not in the same degree as before – that was madness and I don’t want to go back there ever again.

I still find myself angry at times but however valid most of my reasons are, a couple of all-encompassing apologies were given and received, so it’s pointless to dwell on them. Again, no matter how much I wanted to run them down only because I wasn’t able to during the heat of the moment.

I ought to give it more time.  It will take time for some people to look at me and not think that I’m there to ruin something, to cause damage, much like when I was maliciously accused of being uncool and, well,  malicious (which was poorly unsubstantiated, please, I just have to stress it).  A time off ‘s what I initially asked from him after all,  it so happened that I was ready to let my guard down when he first broke the silence. In time, it will feel normal again.  Maybe I’m not ready yet that’s why the universe has not willed it to happen.  When it does, there will be more happy things to talk about. For now, I may need to stop doing the dance and to get rid of the “part-pride, part-fear” feeling.  It does not make me less of what I am as a person (an awesome one at that, I truly believe, hahaha).  I simply miss it especially now that the storm is over; like disasters and calamities, I could be in that point of waiting for reconstruction to actually begin.