I was inspired to participate in Reverb10, an online initiative “to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next.” Further, it invites participants to “(U)se the end of your year as an opportunity to reflect on what’s happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead.” There are 31 prompts for each day this month to write about what you have to share. It’s a good kind of introspection.
Anyway, I’m a little late in the game but I’ll try sharing. I will try to backtrack in future posts because the prompts I missed were interesting, too. I will start today, December 19, where the prompt is Healing.
What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?
Not too many people know that it has been a struggle for me to forget something that terribly hurt me last year. I am still carrying it now, at least some of it. Residual feelings, I must say. But it’s not anymore about what I didn’t get. I believe I long abandoned that. I don’t want him anymore. It was just my pride and the fact that I wasn’t able to say EVERYTHING I wanted to. It’s the terrible people-pleaser in me. I think the persons involved were not aware of the level of hurt I got through — although I’m not saying I was the only victim. I really hurt people, too, and if it was payback for this doing, well, I don’t know.
Anyway, I can say it was the very selfish part of me, the vindictive side, that sometimes still provokes anger and the propensity to humiliate. It’s so immature, I know. So it’s not like I am doing this to further my then-goal. Again, no. It was to get back because I wasn’t given the chance to do that. I found myself embracing an all-encompassing apology, found myself forgetting about it during face-to-face encounters. A few months after, I was suddenly made to open up again as if nothing happened.
It is very hard but I take these moments when I forget about my hurt as signs of healing. It tells me that I am very capable of it. So it’s not sudden but a drip-by-drip evolution, and I’m still in process of doing it. Sometimes, I can no longer attribute it to being raised as a sheltered only child, but maybe, it’s what I really am. A bad person? I don’t know. I’m trying to heal so I won’t be dragged further down that pit. I’m trying really hard.
Next year, I would like to be healed by forgetting. I tried and it’s hard. I am not giving up on myself taking the high road, and with the aid of prayer, seeing that there are things not worth going back to. Yes, no matter how much I was repressed to finally have my one last say. He said he’s trying to rebuild his friendship with me and I supported it. I am very much tempted to ask him if he can, please, let me have one final outburst, just to let it out of my system, then we’ll be on equal footing in terms of rebuilding the friendship. I know it’s too much of a risk and I still cannot provide a concrete answer to, “What do you hope to accomplish by doing that?” Well, I may not know what exactly will happen but a part of me screams if it happens, by then, I can finally start real healing.
Well, if and only if it happens. Maybe I’m poised to heal all by myself. I know in my heart it has to start with me. Sometimes though, I am still afraid to go through it alone because I don’t know how it will be taken. I’d like to say, “Hey, a little help here!” but I still cannot find the courage to ask because evasion seems to be a natural part of someone’s psyche.
Anyway, when I’m completely healed, I will see the wisdom, and the wrong things I did in this whole scenario. I’ll keep you posted.