It has been 29 days since I was outside the house for more than four hours. Metro Manila will be on enhanced community quarantine (ECQ) until the 15th of May; an extension that frankly everyone knew was coming days before the announcement. How are you guys holding up?
Someone told me I should be documenting this period in history since I always say I like to keep a journal. Still have nothing to show for it, folks. I got three weeks left so let’s see. I am not proud that I have more open-ended personal projects than the strands of my hair but admitting it seems like a good way to not be too hard on myself.
It’s a good life overall. The inconveniences, mostly about finances, is something I brought to myself. The self-esteem issues are still looming and blooming so I ride it out. It deserves a longer confession but when I learned how to surrender to God, my problems didn’t magically disappear and in fact still exist but it’s not that stressful to me anymore. I still experience “so now what” moments but I learned how to pull back and seek distractions. I mean when people knew about what I’m going through, not a few told me I look very composed and put together for someone carrying the amount of shit that I have. Uhm, thanks, I guess? It’s my faith, thank you very much.
Adulthood brings changes that messes up your landscape. I have a habit of looking back at old social media posts and “Times were much simpler” is my common comment. Some things did change; friendships, relationship dynamics, future plans. I am affected by a few of them and my prayer, for example, to be a better friend sometimes isn’t cutting it close. At the end of the day, it’s the people who pray for you and pray with you that you keep. The people who would be the default recipients of text messages when shit hits the fan again. The ones who will get what you mean when you say something at the most random of times with no prior context. These are the ones you keep, and with full realization that they have their own lives and own struggles, too.
One thing that keeps me steady is that I am in a relationship now. It has been a crazy (because of the distance!) and blissful 17 months. And yeah, it’s mutual now, not the one-sided kind of love I sustained for years. I think. LMAO
This is not the first time you will read about it and I’m part of the thousands of people who can definitively say it now: long-distance relationships are very hard. We’re lucky that we are at this point in time when it’s very easy to connect. But then again nothing really compensates for hugs, kisses, and hand-holding, for feeling and hearing that the one you love is beside you basically breathing, than being physically together. I counted 24 days in total that we were able to be with each other. While those days were really amazing, there’s still more days apart.
I have always prided myself as a romantic but I have to give credit to the jowa (one of the first few Tagalog terms I was able to teach him, no matter how ghetto LOL) for keeping what we have very manageable. “Don’t scare him with your drama,” a friend once said, but then, if I cannot be transparent and honest when something is sailing this good then it’s going to be a surprise months down the line. I don’t want to drop it on him that way. I have to know that I’d be accepted for my flaws, too. My honesty still made him stay so I will take that as a win. We certainly do not know what the future holds although it has been talked about in little amounts. So as always, let the leaves fall where they may. This pandemic alone is one big obstacle as we try moving things forward. I’m just glad and my heart is full that there is that direction to look forward to.
Speaking of things to look forward to, there’s three more weeks of working from home. I am very vocal about how I’m liking this scheme and that WFH could be a good fit for the long haul. When you take away something you do or get on a regular basis, and as of now it has been a month, you can more or less identify if it’s something you can do without…or the opposite. It’s not even that I have bouts of wanting to leave anyway, pandemic or no pandemic; if I get more work-supportive tools (faster internet plan, a real “work” space, standing desk, to name a few) I can say with certainty that earning my keep by working remotely/from home could be my new thing. But one day at a time! As I learned from various successes and missteps, timing is everything and when it’s forced to happen, it just leads to disappointment.
Right now let this exercise in
futility writing again (for the nth nth nth time) be a good outlet. You don’t really lose the passion; it just sleeps. Sometimes it takes longer than expected. Platforms have shifted and blogging like this could be a thing of the past. But hey, whatever works. This new normal and the positive reinforcement of people who love me give me reasons to plod on daily. Despite my personal challenges I still speak my truth from a position of privilege and for that I should be more thankful, ‘di ba? And I really am. Because life is still good. So far.